Peer Pressure, Profile Pics and Protest

Before I serve these honey teas for the honeybees, you need to know a few things.

1. I wholeheartedly support gay rights. This is not a post that even entertains a debate about the morality of LGBT identity. If that's what you're looking for, move on. We're past that. This is real, advanced thought. I just want the shorties to live long and prosper. <3

2. I don't claim to know it all.

3. This is a post about the politics of protest, not the politics of politics.

4. This is a sensitive topic for me. As I work through, please take each word with a grain of sugar because I only intend to sweeten your day.

Here we go.

If you are anyone with a facebook or twitter, you've probably seen a few (hundred) friends with red equal signs as their profile pictures. This is a social media campaign designed to spread awareness for marriage equality. It's smart. It's simple. It's radical in its simplicity. I'm a fan. Almost switched my profile picture to show support. 

But y'all know nothing is ever that simple for me. And nothing ever satisfies me. Lets begin.

1. Protest becomes Identity... But Whose? 

There is something oddly profound about this form of protest. The profile picture is the first thing people see on your page. I know I've spent minutes (this is pathetic) deciding which pose should be my profile picture. "Should it be me sitting facing the sun? Or away? Which one tells you that I'm a thinker? Oh hell, I'll just post something from Instagram". But truly, people spend time thinking about their profile picture. It must be sexy. Profound. Thoughtful. Classy. Funny. And let's be real. Protest is all of those things. I find it interesting that this campaign is gaining momentum among allies (a label which concerns me, but this is not the time for that discussion. All I'll say is that, privileged folks love to be included)
 But, to the extent that our very identity becomes protest? And more concerning,  it becomes protest for something that most are privileged out of truly experiencing. Will we ever really know what it means to be called a "faggot"? For our kisses with our boyfriend of ten years to be understood as “flaunting” gayness? For sly  and threatening comments from coworkers and classmates who say “She’s not gay, she just hasn't had a real man like me yet”…

I remember a few years ago, when Troy Davis was executed and the social networks went wild as they are now. Floods of “I am Troy Davis” statuses washed over the internet. Really, now? We are all Troy Davis? Umm.. I hate to burst this bubble, but for the White folks who posted this message, I’d like you to know… You were never Troy Davis. In fact, that’s why Troy Davis died. Because he wasn’t you. We know that Black prisoners are more likely to do more time for the same crime as their White counterparts. Somehow, in the willingness and understandable desire to become “one” and stand in solidarity (which is indeed noble) ,we lose the very reality that is this—We will never be able to understand the plight of those who we claim to represent. For this reason, we must be allies from where we stand, but allow those who live this reality to have their space. There is something that activists protect when they protest, and out of respect, I think it's important that we recognize that we can't dance on every set. 

As a “native” English speaker, I will never know what it’s like to do the fake-sign language thing in hopes of getting directions because I don’t understand the street signs. As a Christian, I will never have to worry that my holidays are misunderstood or demonized. As a cisgender woman, I will never have to explain my ever-fluid identity to some idiot. Maybe I just want to talk about Scandal. I guess what I’m saying here, is that when we have privilege we need to acknowledge it. And somehow,  when we change our profile pictures to stand in solidarity with those who struggle, we need to be mindful of the spirit in which it is done. 

2. Norming and Erasure

Which brings me to my next point… I’m tired, tired, tired, of the meme “My friends should be able to get married just like me”. Now, like I said in the beginning, this is not a discussion about gay marriage in itself. It is about the ways we receive and understand protest. Somehow, aligning ourselves to a standard is natural and makes us feel good. We like to think that our gay friends can do this like us.. But let me tell you something. This ain’t The Jungle Book. And errybody don’t wanna be like you.

See, this is what we call heteronorming. It doesn’t just mean that you say stupid things that would suggest that “the butch is the one who proposes and the lipstick is the one who wears the dress” in a lesbian relationship. It means that in order for you to see your LGBT brothers and sisters as such, you have to squish them into a limited understanding of what “Family” is. Because in some way, assimilating LGBT folks means that they are easier to digest, more friendly, more American. American marriage brings along status. Respectability. And here, it’s easier to take “calm, committed, moral gays” than the “rave-going, drag-show loving, flaunting, flaming gays”. For this movement, it seems that well-behaved gays deserve more respect. We see what you’re doing. 

Of ALL the gay issues we could be rallying around, marriage is one of the more conservative ones. And I’m not so sure that what we want to do is to replicate something that may not be a goal for everyone. We want everyone to look like us… Come on.  

3. Peer Pressure

But ultimately, my wonder is always about the conversation. Just as I was interested in how people made sense of Frank Ocean’s announcement of a non-heterosexual identity, it intrigues me that people now consider themselves protesters because they have changed their profile picture. I’ll give it to you. It certainly is saying something to me that my entire FB feed is red. I didn’t know I had so many friends who are allies. That makes me happy. But I also wonder how many people have done this to keep up with the times. After all, as the meme states, who wants to stand on the wrong side of history? The peer pressure is present. We shame those who were against integration, and now we shame those who are against gay marriage. In this call-out culture, I wonder where the bigots are. If everyone has red profile pictures, why can’t we get gay marriage passed? If everyone posts, why hasn’t anything changed? Well… That brings me..

4. Where Do We Go Now? 

Here. I seriously doubt that the facebook profile changes will do much. Unless, we couple our pictures with some action. How many of us have heard a friend say something like “that’s gay”, or have seen someone do a limp wrist action? How many of us talk about our “gay best friend” who takes us shopping? How many of us can’t stop staring (or look away in disgust) when someone kisses their love of the same sex? How many of us have challenged friends in those situations? Even better, how many of us have written, called, tweeted, or contacted our Representatives on these issues? There is nothing wrong with engaging in social protest. We use what we can where we are. That is what true protest is. But let’s be real…. If he liked it, then s/he should be able to put a ring on it. And let's not force it. Straight marriage ain’t working out too well for most of us anyway.

The red equal signs are quite a statement. This is not an indictment of their power, nor is this post a shaming of those who align to this campaign. Get in where you fit in. Make the people think however you can. But I'll leave you with this parting thought. Is equality radical enough? Is tolerance radical enough? Is access radical enough? The conversation for many still follows this thought, "I don't care what you do behind closed doors, as long as you're happy". And somewhere in that idea is something you told me you'd never let happen again... "Separate But Equal".What is equality? Cuz it damn sure ain't this colorblind, genderblind, kum-by-yah circle we think we're in.

"All of us are equal. Some are just more equal than others"-- George Orwell.