Doing Good and Being Good: An Epidemic

I live in New York and I attended one of the preppiest colleges in the US. I've seen enough Tom's to dream about them. Frequently.

But something about their business model always bothered me. Read up on the critics Here, here here and here

This is a hilarious meme, because it's TRUE.

Here's the issue. As the blogs have mentioned, Tom's model is not sustainable. 

1. The buy-one-give-one model competes with local business owners. 

2. It reeks of Eau De White Savior and employs poverty-tourism.

3. And most importantly, shoelessness is a SYMPTOM of poverty. It is not the disease itself.

Now, we can debate about this until we're blue in the face (or I suppose, since this a blog, the better term would be "until we're suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome).

But here's my challenge to us all:

Why, do we think we deserve a cookie because we did something respectable with our money?  It is admirable, and preferred actually, that companies do good things with their dollars. But when the shoe is unwrapped, and the transaction is over, where is the relationship? 

At school, there were ads for Two Degrees, an energy bar. You buy an energy bar, and then a nutrition pack was sent to a needy family. But.. That awkward moment when the advertisement looked like this.... That even MORE awkward moment when you are one of the few Black students at Trinity, and this ad is sitting at the dining table....

I don't know about you, but I've always felt uncomfortable whenever I see pictures like this. I know you're trying to help, but I really don't think this is the way to fix the world's ailments. I don't think I am able to express it better than bell hooks. I strongly recommend her work, "Race and Representation"! A blogger concisely summed up her piece here"Eating the Other" like this:

"hooks claims that modern depictions of the Other have been transformed through a consumer culture that seeks to profit off of perceived difference."

For us, there is something satisfying, and damn near erotic, about "doing something good". Especially for people we perceive to be "less fortunate". And I'll admit it, we ALL fall into that trap. When I was a child, my dad brought me back a pen from South Africa. I was so confused because I didn't think "they had metal in Africa". TV and movies are incredibly powerful, especially for a 5 year old.  But I am so grateful for the chance to get to know international students in high school and College, especially those from different parts of Africa/having friends who went abroad because even I, little miss know it all, needed to be reminded that Africa is a diverse place of varying needs. As is America. One time, a student in my class, who happened to be white, declared that people "need to be drug tested before they get approved for welfare". I'm going to let you think about that. I know for sure, she wasn't thinking about people who looked like her. There is a misconception that Blacks and Latinos are the only folks on welfare. Reality: Most people on welfare are White. Reality 2.0: If welfare did not benefit White families, we wouldn't have it. And you know I'm right. 

And what's funnier is this:

1. Even though we KNOW they use our dollars to fund anti-gay rights campaigns, we still eat at Chik-Fil-A because the sandwiches are so damn good.

2. Even though we know they employ prison labor overseas (and in the US), we still buy Victoria's Secret because the semi-annual sale is so damn good.

3. Even though we know they use sweatshop labor, we still buy Nike (which owns Jordans) because those sneakers are so damn good.

4. Even though we know they hid the deadly side effects of their Ortho Evra patch from the general public, we still buy Johnson and Johnson baby oil because it makes our skin feel so damn good.

In this whirl of "so good", are we really satisfied buying a pair of overpriced shoes? Are we redeemed because we fixed one problem today, that may or may not have been a problem in the first place(that we may or may not have caused ourselves)? Because let's be real... Our complicated relationship with the "developing world" is deeper than slavery and immigration. It's real. We would so much rather buy a pair of shoes, or a computer, or a granola bar that promises to carry out justice and mercy for us. We would never demand social and political change ourselves. We would never volunteer our time at a local after school care program, or adopt a little brother or sister who needs guidance. But we will text that Red Cross line for 10 dollars. And what really holds us together, as a country, is our notion of convenient consumerism. We're American. We can hire someone for that. 

Now, I'm not judging anyone who wears Toms. Do as you will. A shoe is a shoe. But, I encourage you to find ways, and to share those ways, to make this world a better place for us all. While you are finding  ways to do good with your wallet, I would encourage you to also find ways to be good with your heart. And I believe the best way to do that is to do whatever it is that God/The Universe/your gut has called you to do, and to do it GOOD (not a typo, I mean do it with a moral and good heart). 

You're going to teach? Teach good. You're going to become a banker? Bank good. You're going to be an athlete? Play good. Now I know that's grammatically incorrect, but it's existentially accurate. [things my dad says]

Carry out goodness in every arena of your life. Find ways to make sure each thing you EVER do brings you closer to people. Be thoughtful and intentional with your vote, your voice, and your money. 

As for me? I'm keeping my $54 dollars. 

Frank Ocean Taught Me "Despite" and "Because": Love Lessons

Shout outs to Frank Ocean for being the first mainstream male artist in the hip-hop/r&b world to identify himself as anything other than heterosexual. Lord knows we need to make more space at the table. 


At first, I took his beautiful letter here to mean that he was bisexual. Then, I saw a friend comment on another friend's facebook status to say that this is not necessarily a declaration of bisexuality so much as it was a declaration that he was claiming a "queer identity and non-heterosexuality" (thank you, J.G.)


My first observation about this entire story is that we have rushed to smack a label on him. Is he bi? Is he gay? Is he on the DL? All of us are guilty. The beauty in Frank's story was that he, being the artist that he is, found poetic and subtle ways to describe this incredible feeling. 


But I suppose I've always been more interested in the ways we interpret the story, than the story itself. I saw people showing support for Frank in ways I NEVER thought we would see, especially among the Black community/hip hop fan circle. This one statement has been haunting me... "I don't care what he is, straight, gay, bi, whatever, it's all about the music". People are showing out all this support. And I love it. It's landmark, historic.. yadda yadda yadda.


But can I call y'all out on that? "I love you in spite of..." are the worst 6 words to ever begin a sentence.  Have you ever had a boyfriend tell you "I love you even though..." or heard your friends start a sentence with"You know, despite all your shortcomings..."I really don't think that's love. Because somewhere, hidden, under that statement is this idea that you're not good enough. That you are settling. That you would have chosen the circumstance to be a different way, but it isn't. So you deal with your cards. 


It's kind of like, when people say "I'm tolerant" or "I accept" gay people (or Blacks, or Latinos, or immigrants, or insert other marginalized group here). Am I supposed to give you dap because you allow me to breathe the same air as you? Am I supposed to feel liberated because you accept me? Tolerance/Acceptance, yet again, connote that you are settling for a lesser condition. "I really wanted a chocolate milkshake, but I'll tolerate a vanilla one" "I really wanted a gold necklace for my birthday, but since you bought it with your hard earned money, I guess I'll accept this silver one". At what point will we begin to not just tolerate/accept.. but genuinely EMBRACE all expressions of sexuality and gender?


I suppose, I like to think that God doesn't just accept me as I am. And I'd like to think he doesn't just  love me "despite" my flaws. Instead, I think God loves me because I am flawed. I think there's a reason why Jesus spent time with the poor/the sick/the generally downtrodden. He was setting an example for what real love is. 


 Imagine, if in his Sermon on the Mount, he said "Blessed are those, who despite their persecution are tolerated. Imma still let them come to heaven though. Giving back, you know." No. 
Without qualifiers.
Without preface.
Jesus says "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." and "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."


I think it's important that we remember that it is so much more meaningful to say "I love you because". Here are some "I love you despite" statements:


I love you despite your insecurities. I hate telling you you're not really fat. So annoying. 
I love you despite the fact that you never say sorry. I always say it first. That's not fair.
I love you despite the fact that you're a sarcastic jerk. That's such a frustrating thing I have to deal with.
I love you despite the fact that you're always dreaming and never in the real world. I always have to bring you back to reality.


Love is about finding complements. What brings out the best in you? Who does that for you? When we say "I love you despite your flaws", what we're really saying is "you remind me that I'M flawed". This is how we reverse those toxic statements.

I love you because you're insecure. You give me a chance to find a new thing to love about you every day.

I love you because you're too proud to say sorry. You've made it possible for me to say it first, that's a life skill.

I love you because you're a jerk. It makes a friendly gesture that much sweeter. 

I love you because you always have your head in the clouds. It keeps my feet on the ground.

Now, I'm not saying that Frank Ocean's non-hetero identity is a flaw. PLEASE don't take this blog to mean that. Nope. What I'm saying is, I love him, not despite his sexuality, but because he is who he is. I suppose that's why the closet is so toxic. We force people into this space in fear of being ridiculed, and when they present non-normative expression, we want to erase it. We want to pretend like it doesn't matter, as if it doesn't influence who he is. Here we go, yet again, on some colorblind "I see everyone the same" tip. If you don't see my color, you don't see me. And If you ONLY see my color, you still don't see me. 

I say all this to say, that while I'm very impressed by all the support that pours out from the hip-hop community, I want to remind us to stay away from both marginalizing AND invisible-izing Frank. Let's love him because.