Pregnant with 24 Kids....

I was talking to a friend about school starting next week.

"How do you feel about your kids coming back next Monday?", he asked.
"I feel pregnant", I replied.

I realized when I said it, that I sounded ridiculous.  How could I possibly know what pregnancy felt like? The closest I'd ever been was pretending to put pillows up my shirt at slumber parties. (Don't act like you've never done it!)

But I DO feel pregnant. Metaphorically. Like I'm waiting on my joy to come. Like nothing makes sense until my children come. Like I'm afraid to break them. Like I'm going to fix the world by bringing them into Existence. Like they are my saviors. Like I love them unconditionally before I've even met them. Like I need them.  Desperately. Now. Today.

We've been doing professional development/setting up classrooms/preparing lessons.  I've been taking my grad classes/getting my entire life together. But nothing makes sense because I need to be reminded of the WHY. Like, Why am I here? The chairs mean nothing to me without bouncing bodies sitting in them... The classroom feels so empty.

But more than anything, as a 21 year old "pregnant" woman expecting 24 kids, I also experience judgment. Questioning. Concern. Ask any teacher. I BET you, he or she will say the most loathed saying is "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach".

Trust me. I've never seen anyone as versatile as the folks who work at my school. They are teachers, they are social workers, they are nurses, they are secretaries, they are advocates, they are lawyers, they are therapists, they are mom, they are dad... All at once. More than anything, they are professional and thoughtful about everything they do. Each question has a purpose. And each purpose is questioned.

"But eventually you're gonna move up, right?" "And then you're going to do doctoral work, right?" "so you're just going to teach?" "oh that's noble" "so what happens afterwards?"

If you've EVER asked ANY of the above questions to a teacher, I'd like you to congratulate yourself. YOU are the reason why schools are in such a state of crisis today. You see, everyone hears those questions, feels that pressure, and leaves the classroom. They've paid their dues, now it's time to get a "real job". Everyone wants to be Michelle Rhee, Steve Perry, and Wendy Kopp... No one wants to be a Teacher.

It took me a while to come to teaching. As an Educational Studies major, my background was more in the Anthropology and Sociology of schools, rather than actual teaching skills. I was more about thinking about how schools serve a distinct sociopolitical purpose. (Tracking, anyone?) I kept telling myself "Yea, Administration, Research, or Policy is where I want to be". I was RUNNING from teaching. I needed to make bank. Teach? After Trinity? Wouldn't that be a waste of a degree? I wanted to be important. I was attracted to prestige and being-knowndom (I make up words, I'm the child of Pastors so... it's in my DNA).

But the more and more I dove into my studies, the more I realized that teachers have this incredible power to challenge (or reproduce) social norms. That means, the more people with "policy" and "research" leaning minds we can get into the classroom, the more we can create meaningful social change. I mean, what better place for me, a critical race theorist and feminist, than the classroom?

Now, we all know the world is not static. People change their minds. People feel a calling to different places. I never said I'd be a teacher forever... But I completely surrender myself to the numerous possibilities. And in the event that I did decide to move to the field of research or policy, wouldn't it be great for me to have experience in the classroom anyway?

But back to my pregnancy.... My scholars, my brothers and sisters, my world, my friends arrive to school Monday. I'm prepared for a labor of love. Pray for us and send us positive vibes! <3