Frank Ocean Taught Me "Despite" and "Because": Love Lessons

Shout outs to Frank Ocean for being the first mainstream male artist in the hip-hop/r&b world to identify himself as anything other than heterosexual. Lord knows we need to make more space at the table. 


At first, I took his beautiful letter here to mean that he was bisexual. Then, I saw a friend comment on another friend's facebook status to say that this is not necessarily a declaration of bisexuality so much as it was a declaration that he was claiming a "queer identity and non-heterosexuality" (thank you, J.G.)


My first observation about this entire story is that we have rushed to smack a label on him. Is he bi? Is he gay? Is he on the DL? All of us are guilty. The beauty in Frank's story was that he, being the artist that he is, found poetic and subtle ways to describe this incredible feeling. 


But I suppose I've always been more interested in the ways we interpret the story, than the story itself. I saw people showing support for Frank in ways I NEVER thought we would see, especially among the Black community/hip hop fan circle. This one statement has been haunting me... "I don't care what he is, straight, gay, bi, whatever, it's all about the music". People are showing out all this support. And I love it. It's landmark, historic.. yadda yadda yadda.


But can I call y'all out on that? "I love you in spite of..." are the worst 6 words to ever begin a sentence.  Have you ever had a boyfriend tell you "I love you even though..." or heard your friends start a sentence with"You know, despite all your shortcomings..."I really don't think that's love. Because somewhere, hidden, under that statement is this idea that you're not good enough. That you are settling. That you would have chosen the circumstance to be a different way, but it isn't. So you deal with your cards. 


It's kind of like, when people say "I'm tolerant" or "I accept" gay people (or Blacks, or Latinos, or immigrants, or insert other marginalized group here). Am I supposed to give you dap because you allow me to breathe the same air as you? Am I supposed to feel liberated because you accept me? Tolerance/Acceptance, yet again, connote that you are settling for a lesser condition. "I really wanted a chocolate milkshake, but I'll tolerate a vanilla one" "I really wanted a gold necklace for my birthday, but since you bought it with your hard earned money, I guess I'll accept this silver one". At what point will we begin to not just tolerate/accept.. but genuinely EMBRACE all expressions of sexuality and gender?


I suppose, I like to think that God doesn't just accept me as I am. And I'd like to think he doesn't just  love me "despite" my flaws. Instead, I think God loves me because I am flawed. I think there's a reason why Jesus spent time with the poor/the sick/the generally downtrodden. He was setting an example for what real love is. 


 Imagine, if in his Sermon on the Mount, he said "Blessed are those, who despite their persecution are tolerated. Imma still let them come to heaven though. Giving back, you know." No. 
Without qualifiers.
Without preface.
Jesus says "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." and "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."


I think it's important that we remember that it is so much more meaningful to say "I love you because". Here are some "I love you despite" statements:


I love you despite your insecurities. I hate telling you you're not really fat. So annoying. 
I love you despite the fact that you never say sorry. I always say it first. That's not fair.
I love you despite the fact that you're a sarcastic jerk. That's such a frustrating thing I have to deal with.
I love you despite the fact that you're always dreaming and never in the real world. I always have to bring you back to reality.


Love is about finding complements. What brings out the best in you? Who does that for you? When we say "I love you despite your flaws", what we're really saying is "you remind me that I'M flawed". This is how we reverse those toxic statements.

I love you because you're insecure. You give me a chance to find a new thing to love about you every day.

I love you because you're too proud to say sorry. You've made it possible for me to say it first, that's a life skill.

I love you because you're a jerk. It makes a friendly gesture that much sweeter. 

I love you because you always have your head in the clouds. It keeps my feet on the ground.

Now, I'm not saying that Frank Ocean's non-hetero identity is a flaw. PLEASE don't take this blog to mean that. Nope. What I'm saying is, I love him, not despite his sexuality, but because he is who he is. I suppose that's why the closet is so toxic. We force people into this space in fear of being ridiculed, and when they present non-normative expression, we want to erase it. We want to pretend like it doesn't matter, as if it doesn't influence who he is. Here we go, yet again, on some colorblind "I see everyone the same" tip. If you don't see my color, you don't see me. And If you ONLY see my color, you still don't see me. 

I say all this to say, that while I'm very impressed by all the support that pours out from the hip-hop community, I want to remind us to stay away from both marginalizing AND invisible-izing Frank. Let's love him because.